Runaway brides & grooms – the local version

Cover story
By Arsh Azim

Guess you all have watched the- movie Runaway Bride. The movie is about a young lady (Julia Roberts) who is pretty infamous for ditching her husband-to-be, right on the wedding day, not just once or twice but thrice.

Us brings you the local version titled, Runaway Bride 2, in which not only the local brides but grooms are scheming to run away from their homes. Reason? Poor souls are being forced to marry and their spouses-to-be are of their parents’ choice. Your favourite writers share with Us how they would react if they find themselves in the same situation. Here we go…

Ali Suleman as ‘Sheikh Chilly’
This simply sounds absurd! The scenario is that I am supposed to run away from home because I am being forced to marry someone against my will. The story has to end up with me running away to be qualified as a runaway groom. I will explain how I would do it. It’s just hypothetical (in case any of my parents is reading this, I have to sound nice!). First of all, I’d empty my university bag (which I often call my ‘zambeel). This would obviously require me to take out all the paper-airplanes, toffee and chewing-gum wrappers, torn result sheets and all the issues of Us that I read during lectures. I’d then stuff all my belongings from my DVD player to my torn-toe socks in the bag. The vehicle I’d prefer for the scheduled escape would be my younger sister’s bicycle. Carrying a heavy bag on my shoulder, I wouldn’t be able to bear even the burden of my driving license 😛 . In the dead of the night, after everyone is asleep, I’d dress up, all in black (the ‘Mission Impossible’ style). Moreover, just before exiting, I would leave a note on the dining table saying, “No need to toast bread for my breakfast – Ali”, and sneak out of the house with the bicycle and my bag. Once outside, I’d ride on … out of the street… out of the town… out of the city… heck, out of the country! WOW! Nice and simple!

Rabia Tanvir, fleeing in ‘Jackie Channa’ style
Running away is a complicated business; it’s like Prison Break meets Jackie Chan. I will have to make a flexible yet foolproof plan – like the convicts or casino robbers do – so I could run away in ‘style’. Running away is best done in the night, as shown in movies. I suffer from migraine (added advantage), and cannot sleep in light or with any other family member, so I’ll use that to go to bed early, pretending to take a fake painkiller. Next, I’ll wait for all to fall into deep slumber. Time for action! I’ll place a dummy (a big stuffed bear) to take my place in bed and will cover its head with my dupatta. Then I’ll leave an emotional letter reminding each family member the good deeds I had done for them over the years.

I’ll wear a black ninja attire and will grab the duplicate key, some cash and will tiptoe my way to the door, unlock the door… *click click* (in case anyone sees me, the best way out will be to pretend I’m sleep-walking, and then shout, “What am I doing here?!”). Once out successfully, I’ll climb down the wall. In case I’m caught, I’ll start meowing (sounds lame, but there is no other better option). Now the next part is the hardest… jumping over the gate. I’ll do the old Chinese movie stunt, saying “HAEYA!” and jump over – the biggest jump I have ever made… but wait, why do it when I already have the duplicate key? 😛

Finally, when I am out, I’ll give myself a pat on the back. The only thing left to do would be to write an article for Us, to share my experience with the other readers and help some poor souls out there too.

Courage, the cowardly groom: Vaheid Khizar

Of course, I will run away if any such thing happens. But don’t ever dare to think I am a coward. And indeed I will not run away like one. Here goes my plan! My dad loves to read letters of legendary people. Considering this factor, as a part of my runaway plan, I will leave behind a letter written in Ghalib’s and Maulvi Abdul Haq’s style. Thanks to both of them! It will take my dad at least two or three days to grasp the content i.e. “I am rejecting the proposal and running away!” However, I am sure he will love my way of copying Ghalib’s and Maulvi Sahab’s styles. His other reactions are not to be discussed here! Dad is wisely handled and now I have to think about my hyper active mom. I have hit upon something fantastic. (Let me tell you, she’s always of the view that lunatics, mad men, and poets fall in the same category. And whenever I end up writing a poem, she curses me and my nerdy poetry. However, she loves it when someone else appreciates my work. So, my dear mom, I will leave a short poem, of only 10 pages, for you, the main crux of which would be that I am rejecting the Miss Universe you have selected for your dumb alien. And did I say your Dexter is not a coward (although he is running away)?!

Final assignment: Leaving the house! First, I’ll spread some flour all over the floor from my room to the main gate. I was thinking of a red carpet, but it is an old fashion now! Then, I will wear those jumbo sized bathroom slippers, available in guests’ bathroom, and will walk over that white carpet. Oh, you got it! Yes, I will leave my footprints behind. The footprints of a person who rejected a proposal and wanted to prove that he wasn’t a coward! It all depends upon the people who are reading this success-story-to-be! Either they can follow these footprints, or just memorise and accept the reality because success cannot always be your partner.

Jasir Jawaid and his sweet escape
Oh, the day my mom tells me, “Baita, I have found a girl for you of my choice” would be the last day of my life in my house. Yes, yes! When there will be no other way out, of course I will flee. And to get it planned, it won’t take even five minutes because runaway plans are so easy to make (but hard to follow).Well, no I am not afraid at all. The first thing I’d do would be to call my friends to help me out. I am pretty sure they won’t help me (sobs) but nothing to worry about until my evil mind is in working order ;). I’ll simply start packing up my things such as my laptop, clothes, cell-phone, sneakers, tooth brush/paste, TV and AC. I’ll stuff all my possessions into a giant piece of cloth, tie it hard at the end of a stick, and set sail. Yay! I will be free, free like a bird about to get caged. So, I am going to work on this tomorrow… (Sleepy)!

Dream: I made it to the main road, got a bus to take me to Lyari Addaa. On my way there, I somehow started checking my belongings. “Stoooooppppp,” I shouted on the top of my lungs. I realised that I had forgotten my iPod. (Dream’s over). Oh, thank God, let me stuff my iPod too. Phew! Ah! My sweet escape!

F.D. Sheikh as ‘Chota Don’
Well, to be honest, I’m considered to be one of the most obedient buds of my family. So, if I ever need to run away because of na-pasand-ki-shaadi, the evil inside me will devise a plan for me. Dad quite often grumbles about my negligence towards the tasks that are assigned to me i.e. maintenance of car, delivering clothes to laundry, maintaining his bank account etc. I would do all these jobs whole heartedly. I will collect all his brand new outfits, cheque-book (that accepts my signatures too :P) and his brand new Civic and… and the rest is pretty clear, I guess! That’s what we call, killing two birds with a single stone! (Ruuunnn!) 😀

Ayesha Pervez: The daring Dulhan
I’d write a teary and heartrending letter to my parents to explain my ‘majboori’ as to why I was betraying and hurting them. My letter will make it clear that they would never see me again unless they have it broadcast on any news channel that they won’t make me marry that person, upon which I shall humbly return. As for the master plan, I’ll sneak out of my house and hail a rickshaw, (preferably one with a silencer attached, if there is such a possibility) and will head towards a relative’s or a friend’s house. The choice of this will be made after much consideration and I will select the one who doesn’t have a halka pait. It will be the one who would not leak the news to my worried parents that ‘I’m safe, comfortable and hiding in their house and that they could continue shaadi ki tayarian without worrying’. Yes, I’ll choose the most trustworthy person I know and cruise in the rickshaw into this person’s abode and from there I shall watch news channels for the much awaited aforementioned broadcast 😉

Momal Mushtaq: The unwilling bride
Keeping in mind the sort of person that I am, I DOUBT if I can get married to a person I don’t want to. I’d leave no stone unturned and do whatever it takes to marry a person of my choice. Not that I’m one crazy lover (Ok, I maybe one. :P), but I surely am a determined person. Thus, the matter of running away will not arise in my case. So, let us not get into that as far as I am concerned. But yes, there is a strong possibility of the groom’s running away from his bride-to-be. Who knows?!! 😀

Somehow, it always appeared that fleeing away is the wealthy people’s easy alternative as they have enough money to break free. But what can ordinary people like us do? The creative Us’ writers have made it simple and trouble-free for you, indeed. Hope that after reading these plans, you can devise your own plan of doing the ‘Runaway bride/groom’ thing.

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