There are certain phases in life that we go through. Sometimes comes the happy phase, then the sad one, other times it is the mute phase, and so on. But then there’s that phase when you don’t understand what’s going on. Things are happy and at the same time you’re numb to feel them. You don’t feel anything. You have no idea what’s going on and life just moves away. You feel like a torn piece that can’t be glued. You feel like nothing has a meaning. You’re numb and quiet. You want to scream and lose temper, but things don’t let you. You want to be left alone, but life doesn’t let you. You don’t want to do anything, but you’ve bills to pay and so you need to continue. You don’t want to speak yet the people around you have questions that you have to answer.
This is that worst phase in which you really want to go away to a place where nobody knows you or understand your language. But wait, who cares about the language? People can read faces. You smile all the time and all of a sudden are told by a random stranger that “Hey! You seem sad and your smile doesn’t really mean that you’re happy. Are you lost?” This really hurts. How can they know you by not even looking at you properly? Hence they’ve ruined your day, isn’t it so?
You start missing yourself. You miss things. And then you wish you never grew up. Or maybe you were never born. Or maybe you’re just useless and people will forget about you when you die. So why not die before time? But then you stop and think that “Oh no, I can’t have a haram death. What was I even thinking?” And then you start feeling pity for yourself. You cannot resist your own self. You feel burdened. You’re numb and yet working. Your mind is useless yet it’s functioning. You’re a person who doesn’t eat alone ever and then have those urges to binge on any food item you get. This is sickening.
Then comes a time when people start asking you that what’s wrong. You tell them that there’s nothing and that you just can’t concentrate. Maybe you need to see some doctor. But wait, the doctor will say that you’ve gone mad. Damn, nobody wants to be termed as “psycho”. Now, what? They tell you very easily, “hey relax man. Concentrate. Everything’s fine.” And you give them a poker face while thinking deep inside that they will never understand. You again feel pity for yourself because you’re unable to explain.
After a while, you open your browser and start typing, “How to cure anxiety” or “tips for having control over your nerves” and all you see is “try yoga, do exercise, smile, laugh, meet with friends, write, start observing” and blah blah. Well, didn’t I just say that in this phase you don’t WANT to do anything at all? Damn, the google doesn’t even understand.
You play songs, but they don’t work. You can’t resist the music even. You listen to it but don’t understand a single lyric. You don’t feel like any song suits or even calms you down. You just play it and ignore that the earphones are plugged in your ears. What? They’re not helping and you don’t bother to remove them. If you do, you’ll be nervous and would want to do something else. Or maybe all you want to do is realize the people around that you’re not listening to them and pretend to be busy.
You think to start taking some medication. But no, you just can’t. The pharmacies need prescriptions. What next? Find someone with a prescription of such pills or go to a doctor? But you don’t want to be termed as “psycho”. How come can you go there? There, you’re stuck again!
Damn, you feel that all the doors are closed. All you end up with is tears. Tears that don’t matter. Tears that are not understandable. Tears that you wipe and not let anyone see them. Tears that you want to let go. But still no success. What? Tell me what? What next?
THERE IS NO DAMN OPTION IN SUCH A PHASE!
Such a damage it is, I swear!